InnerAlly - Spiritual Wellness with Dr. Cynthia Phelps ⋆ Christine Gautreaux MSW

NOTE: While it’s not perfect, we offer this transcription by Otter.ai for those who are hearing impaired or who don’t find listening to a podcast enjoyable or possible.

Christine Gautreaux 0:28
Oh, you’re cracking me up today.

Shannon M. 0:32
You gotta have fun with it. You know, my goal is to laugh at least once a day. So love and have fun at least once a day when I’m working. So definitely try to edit in. Brian, how are you?

Christine Gautreaux 0:43
Good. I’m awesome. I was live on playing with possibilities earlier this week with Cecile Armstrong, one of our authors and friends. And I was explaining are women connected in that wisdom dance move with the shoulder rolls and

Shannon M. 1:01
kill them with the shoulders? Right.

Christine Gautreaux 1:05
It is a little gray and gloomy here today in Atlanta, Georgia. Like it’s kind of the first gloomy fall day we’ve had, like, I see you’ve got your jacket on for and I’ve got my first scarf of the season. Right. About a scarf earlier. Right. Yeah, definitely a change in season here.

Shannon M. 1:27
Yeah, and a lot of different ways. You know, and I love fall, I was thinking about the question you asked me, I think you did ask me one of these last episodes. Which season is my favorite and even though spring is my birthday, I think fall is my favorite. I love when the temperature is like that perfect. 71 and a half the leaves are changing colors. I love going up in the mountains are in nature and seeing all the different leaves and a whole lot of trees. I just think it’s so beautiful to look at. And I’m a band nerd, you know, so we were at the games. I was out of band practice. I was outside in the fall. So yeah, it’s like the perfect time to be outside.

Christine Gautreaux 2:03
Right. I love the smells of fall. I like like a good when you walk outside and you smell a campfire. Or yeah, or just the wind smells different during the fall. So I like all the senses that I mean, I think I like that in a season like the change of season your senses kind of get reignited. Like you’re like, Oh, this is new, like it’s either colder or it’s warmer. It’s you know, smells different. I like all of that. So, yeah, should we introduce ourselves and kick the show off today?

Shannon M. 2:34
Let’s do it. Let’s do it. Hi, ladies. I am Shannon Mitchell, a black millennial entrepreneur and author, the founder of Shiloh glow, and all natural handmade personal products company to help people go from head to toe. I am a champion for your self care, business care and intentional wellness.

Christine Gautreaux 2:51
Hi, y’all. I’m Christine Gautreaux, white social justice advocate and international speaker, coach, published and best selling Amazon Author and dancing social worker who helps you upgrade yourself in community care.

Shannon M. 3:05
Yes, together. We are a podcast rooted in the eight dimensions of wellness, and the co founders of the women connected in wisdom community.

Christine Gautreaux 3:13
And we like to get together every week with special guests for weekly intentional conversations about how to be wise in business, relationships and wellness. How do we do this? And have fun while we’re doing it.

Shannon M. 3:27
Right? And have fun and stay sane. The sanity is important fun and sanity.

Christine Gautreaux 3:34
This week has felt especially intense, like we were talking before the show, but you know a lot of people my phone has been just popping off with text and calls and clients and, and a lot. It’s really intense right now. Have you been feeling that?

Shannon M. 3:52
No, definitely. You know, we’ve been talking about hostile energy, you know, in different places in circles where I spend my time so our topic today on spiritual wellness is how I stay grounded. I remember I was oh, here’s the story. Here’s a story. So I was talking to these guests. And we know that property was amazing, but not everything always goes as planned. Alright, so there were these guests there. It was our after we closed table for birthday party, so they’re excited to celebrate. And I had to tell them that you’re not gonna get to eat dinner. Right? We dropped the ball could have done better. We always grow through our opportunities, right? But I had to be the person to go tell these guests that hey, unfortunately, you came out you got dressed up. We’re not going to deliver never fun in the hospitality industry. Right? And as I was dealing with the situation, rightfully upset, guest is upset and I’m allowing her the space to be upset, right? One of the servers come up to me. He comes up to me after and said how did you do that? What books are you reading? Like what did I need to learn how you did what you just did? Because you didn’t pick up her energy. You respected what she said you took care of her and you were not moved and spiritual wellness is how I stay so grounded in everything that we have to deal with. So I’m excited to have a conversation today.

Christine Gautreaux 5:06
I love that. And our guest is a guest on the podcast, one of our authors for women connected and wisdom. And somebody who’s very wise talking about staying grounded, how do we stay kind to ourselves, right? Because I could imagine because you’re in a managerial position. I mean, I could imagine like the shoulds, you could have showed all over yourself, right? And you were able to stay separated and grounded and rooted. So I like that a lot. Yeah. Anything in the news that we need to talk about before we hop in here?

Shannon M. 5:40
Not that I can think of right now, you know, what I and you know, and maybe our listeners know, or don’t know, because I don’t always talk about it. But I love you, Christina and our friendship because you keep me abreast to current situations, political movements and events that are happening that should be paying attention to things like that. Because as far as the news is concerned, you know, I’m unplugged. It’ll trigger me all day long. I need some positive information. You know, let’s balance it a little bit. But I get that it’s needed for certain reasons. So I am not always a person asked about up to date news. But well, we are

Christine Gautreaux 6:15
in election season. So I can speak to that, that you know, talking about staying grounded, make sure your make sure you are up to date on where your polling places. And when, when early election start, because they’re starting, depending on where do you live like in Georgia, they’re starting next week. So check out if you can early vote, or if you need to vote by mail, or when your day is but make a plan. Like one of the things we talk about, when we talk about getting the vote out is make a plan y’all put it on your calendar, have a buddy know what you’re doing. Take a couple of folks with you. Like I always like say, Hey, give me a ride or who you know, make that plan to go vote and take a few people with you. Because it makes a difference. It is the very basis of our democracy and of our advocacy. So we don’t want to take it for granted.

Shannon M. 7:07
Yeah, and especially me, you know, when I think about us, and our conversations over the last four now going on five years with manifestation Mondays, and I look back, I think about some of the things I’ve said right about, you know, I don’t actually feel that way representation is important to me, or this, you know, I think I should change the way that I said that, because that’s not exactly what aligns. And for me, voting has been I mean, we’ve seen the the ramifications of it recently, right, with the change in women’s rights for over their bodies and don’t control women’s bodies can control guns a little bit more in the conversations that we’re having, you know, so have we been in not that it’s against shooting or anything, but if we’re intentional about what the values are, what the policies are planning on bringing into play, while they’re, you know, fulfilling their term, we can be a little more proactive about what’s about to happen instead of Oh, my goodness, what are we talking about? What do you mean XYZ happen. And so that’s what I think about when I think about voting this year,

Christine Gautreaux 8:05
right? And get educated. And we will put some links in our show notes. For no matter where you are in the nation, this would be pertaining to the United States, but we will put a link in where you can check out your registration and where your polling places and things like that. Because let your voice be heard. Right.

Shannon M. 8:23
And that’s when, and when we think when we talk about spirituality, that’s what I think about, you know, the seasons where I felt like, I could talk, I could say more in the seasons, where I felt like I could stay less, you know, when my mom was sick, I felt like she was sick. And I stopped praying as much, you know, I wasn’t using my voice as much. And it’s understandable why same thing happened when my dad was sick. But instead of again, shooting or this should be this way, or I’m supposed to be doing this is why is this your reaction? You know, what is the the things we can process here? What are the things we can learn? What are the things we could just sit with? And what does that mean, for your next step forward? How do we stay grounded and connected spiritually and give space to what’s going on? You know, and that’s what I feel like a lot of this stuff is with the energy around elections, that happens in this country and other countries, right? We talked about international travel, maybe you don’t want to travel if there’s a tumultuous election going on being cognizant of that. But also, the world is tumultuous. There’s things going on the house beside you the neighborhood up the street. So how do you stay centered? And was that voice that you listen to in the voice that you talk to yourself with? That’s what we’re going to talk about today? I’m excited, right?

Christine Gautreaux 9:36
And I want to bring our guests up before we talked about our personal practices because I want to, I want to include her in this conversation but also those practices, right, those spiritual practices and wellness practices that bring us back to center when when the world has done his best to knock us off. Right. I think that’s important. All right. Are we ready? Should I bring her up here? Let me know reflection,

Shannon M. 10:00
let’s do the definition definition and then we can introduce her. I’m so excited. And yeah, I want to talk about personal practices. I’m interested in what she does. Okay guys, so for spiritual wellness, spiritual wellness allows us to be in tune with our own spiritual selves. This realm of wellness lets us find meaning and life events and define our individual purpose. It can be defined through various factors, including religious faith, values, ethics, and morals. Regardless of whether you believe in a particular religious faith, there is always something to be learned about how you see yourself in the world.

Christine Gautreaux 10:38
Hmm, I love that definition. Alright, y’all, let me let me introduce our guest. And I’m going to add live a little bit of her bio, I just need to let her know that because there’s something that was missing. So here we go. Cynthia Phelps, PhD, is a researcher, international speaker, coach, and an Amazon Best Selling Author, and the founder of inner ally, a company that builds evidence based tools to improve resilience and well being. She teaches about the power of having a kind and compassionate inner voice, and guides people to explore their own emotional landscape to create customized inner support language. Dr. Phelps has 25 years of experience in digital interactive design, and has been developing technologies from online classes to mobile apps to help people learn and change their behavior, we need to talk to her about a women connect and wisdom app, you can join her and others in practicing at the Facebook group, inner allies, or email, Cynthia and inner ally.com. And we’re gonna put all that in our show notes. But let’s bring you up here said. Hello, hello. Welcome to the show where you okay with that addition that I put in your intro? Beautiful. I know that’s happened since the last time you were a guest on our show. We’re so delighted to have you, my friend. Yes, you. You wrote a chapter in our book, and your superpower, about connecting people to their inner voice and teaching us how to be kind to ourselves. So you want to tell folks a little more about that?

Cynthia Phelps 12:20
Well, sure, the main thing that I think everyone needs to know is that I needed to sort this out for myself. And so I had a very cruel, inner voice. It was not a kind or compassionate inner voice at all. And so it held me back in life. And so I am very passionate about helping other people, you know, particularly women who have negative voices, because it’s not benign, it can actually cause harm in your life. And so, yeah, that’s why I am making tools and processes and practices for people to be able to better be kind and gentle and forgiving to themselves.

Christine Gautreaux 13:16
I love that. And I know this because I know you and I’ve been a fan of your work for so many years, but tell our listeners about the research behind it. Like why like, this isn’t just for free. This isn’t just somebody decided, oh, yeah, this will make you feel better. But

Cynthia Phelps 13:32
that’s right. So at this point, gosh, there’s probably about 18 years of research here in the United States on this topic called self compassion, which is basically compassion turned inwards towards yourself. We as humans are really wired for compassion, it’s part of the way we are social with each other. And that is it’s kind of ingrained in us and so when we see someone suffering quite frequently, it we have the ability to look at them and and approach them and and comfort them and help them and it’s kind of in contrast with when we ourselves are suffering. So you might have a very different response with yourself like, ah, like, Why did I did that do that or, you know, something that’s just not very gentle or kind.

Christine Gautreaux 14:33
Well, I know this to be true. I used to think I had a really good inner voice until I started hanging out with you. And all my friends, and all my friends started hanging out with you and calling me on my inner voice, right? Shannon does it all the time she’ll like ah, hey, what do you mean?

Shannon M. 14:55
Yes, it’s so important. And I love your chapter to Cynthia. I love how you say Yeah, and I told you this before, right, but that it starts on a nerdy note, because it’s about the research. And that’s so important, right? Like Christine said, not that we just say, Hey, I think this is a good idea. But no, I needed something, this is what I know, for a fact has worked, it has saved my life, right. And then I know that based on the research, it’s not just me, it’s other people. And it makes sense to use a better voice for ourselves, and other people. But a lot of times, that’s how we check it right? When you talk to your friends like that. And a lot of times, we treat other people better than we do ourselves.

Cynthia Phelps 15:33
And so the system that I’ve developed is a combination of self compassion, research and like methods to help raise your self compassion, there’s a scale, if you want to measure your self compassion, you can do that at self dash compassion.org. And what I’m interested in is each of us have our own inner voices are unique to us. And oftentimes, they are created in our early childhood, they can frequently sound like a parent or a caretaker in early childhood, or teacher or coach or somebody who had like an impression on us. And we can even adopt other people’s inner voices. Because you know, we do, even though people don’t run around saying exactly what it you know, how they’re speaking to themselves in their head, like, it kind of seeps out here and there. When you hang out with somebody, you tend to notice them saying things and so there is some patterns behind what, why people speak to themselves in a certain way. And there is a psychologist named Jeffrey Young, who made a categorization system that he calls a schema. And these are the ways that people basically think in a way that’s maladaptive or not so good for themselves, right. And so the inner ally system, it takes a look at that. So if you actually take the quiz on my homepage, it is based on that system, what kind of things maladaptive schema you might have. And then the inner allies themselves are the essential emotions that you need to nurture to be able to meet those particular needs for yourself. And so it’s a targeted system, and it’s customizable, and that you can create language that is resonates for you and really feels kind and comforting for you. And so I think that’s the important piece. It’s not a just general self compassion, it is really more about what do you actually need to thrive in life.

Christine Gautreaux 17:57
I love this, Cynthia, I love it for so many reasons, because I know it works. I’ve, I’ve used it myself, I’ve used it with my clients, I love your card deck that you have with the inner ally. I love how when we talk about spiritual wellness, like you can use your what works for you, with your inner ally, like you can weave all of that together with your beliefs and the things that support you and, and the things that, you know, make you closer to your source. And so I love that your system has a way to weave all of that together.

Cynthia Phelps 18:34
You know, it’s interesting to me, because my personal spirituality has to do a lot with well, it’s somewhat similar to your manifesting Mondays, it has to do with how we speak about ourselves and what we want in the world. Right. So that inner dialogue that we have, about what we’re going to do and what we want to see happen, this kind of inner voice thing is is very similar to kind of what I do with inner ally for people. And so, you know, for me, it bridges like there’s a bridge between the research and my own spirituality because they we know a lot about how you talk to yourself, it can make a big difference. And so, you know, here’s an example. If you tell yourself certain things if you have an affirmation and you use I am one of the things it can be very strong kind of way to speak to yourself. But if you say that to yourself and you don’t believe it, then it really happens helps to soften it to turn that phrase into like a May I something a little bit gentler, more self compassionate. because you don’t want to create language that you’re like beating yourself over the head with, right? You want to be kind and compassionate. And, and so for instance, if you around whatever thing that you’re speaking to yourself about, and that you’re working on creating your own customized phrases for, if it is something that has been kind of traumatic for you in the past, one of the things that research shows is that you can change your perspective to you, and say, you’ve got this or, you know, you deserve a wonderful life, or you are worthy of compassion. So this, this type of rephrase, pulls back into the third person perspective, and can make it more useful for a person who, if the I am for is as might feel a little too harsh, and may even be triggering. And so the research on like, how we view the world as well is really fascinating. So, when I was a youngster, and I was in college, I took a class, that was called perception. And it was an entire psychology textbook, that was about our sensory systems and how we perceive the world. And I was really blown away by the class, because the core thing that it taught me is our senses. Like, for instance, we don’t see with our eyes, like we really see with our brain. And what we do is like, we piece things together, right? And so when we talk, one of the latest things in emotion research as well is the same thing is that the way that we experience our emotions is a combination of like how we’re feeling in our body, and then how we’re labeling that. And then that is that combination is like what we perceive as an emotion. And so there’s more and more research that has that showing that we have agency and how we create our own reality. And now if that doesn’t, like spill over into spirituality, like I don’t know what and and so this is, was very, it’s very heartening to me that, you know, consistently from the old, you know, research on perception that I studied to this, it’s really the research in emotions, right now has gone undergone a paradigm shift that, you know, we thought that emotions were just the same in everybody across cultures. And that is just not true. Like, we cannot understand what kind of emotion somebody’s feeling unless we ask them because it’s this construct between what our bodies are feeling and what our minds are labeling them. And so like we are, can we have a role in creating our own emotions, we have a rule and creating our own reality with our language. And so So there,

Christine Gautreaux 23:06
I love that. No, I love that. There’s two, there’s two things that popped up when you were talking that the one is, you know, it’s kind of like labeling, is it excitement or anxiety? Like, those are very close, depending on right, how you’re feeling and what you’re labeling it, right? Because I often go with excitement. And people around me are like, aren’t you anxious? I’m like, No, I’m excited. Like, let’s do this, right. But I’m a risk taker. The other thing that popped up, when you were talking, Cynthia was about what what the words that were coming up were toxic posit positivity, like when you were talking about if you’ve been beat up by affirmations before, or if it hasn’t felt good in your body or your spirit? Is that kind of what you were talking about, like when

Cynthia Phelps 23:56
it’s both. So it’s, you know, if you’re hard on yourself already around that particular topic, it can be easier to pull back from an im statement to a May AI, or a you are. But if let’s say you’re we’re working on phrases around a situation that has caused you harm. If that harm is still like a really kind of hot topic for you, and it’s triggering for you. One of the things you could do is pull back and use a U phrase like you’re going to be all right, and you’re speaking to yourself, the you the Magi, all of those are towards language towards yourself, you know, and that’s one reason for the characters on the cards, because you can use the characters as a way to speak to yourself. And I think that that’s, that’s really effective because when I first started practicing self compassion, you know, the, the it was very obvious that if I could speak more kindly and supportive to myself that I would raise my level of self compassion. And I would get like all these amazing outcomes, which, you know, everything from like better productivity, less depression and stress. And you know, some of my research is less. If you’re hiring compassion, you’re less risk for addiction. And so like these are this is really impacts your life in many ways, how your sense of well being your sense of happiness. And so the reason why I kind of focused in on the language was because I sucked at it. And in fact, I didn’t even know, I didn’t even realize until I heard my mentor actually speak her in a horse aloud. And I was, I was really kind of blown away in in that I had studied, it had been probably three years at this point of studying self compassion. And I really was dug in on the research, I thought I knew everything about it. And here was this whole piece of how you talk to yourself that like I only got on a theoretical level. And so I wanted to make it really practical and tangible for people because I thought, well, shoot, if I’m not getting this, I bet there’s other people that are not getting it as well.

Shannon M. 26:22
Yeah, I love that. And what it makes me think about on the psychology side is self fulfilling prophecy, right? Like what you say about yourself as kind of come true. So I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t have whatever you would say, you know, then you start to believe that because and that’s the interesting thing, too, because the positive things we question, the negative things we inherently believe, right? Because that’s what a lot of the other voices say. So when we talk about conditioning, and even in the statements where it might feel, and I’ve done that, right, you’ve got this and I can say it to other people. And they’re like, No, Shannon, you’re you, you got this too. And I say, I guess I do got this, you know what I mean? And it’s the separation, but you’re this person that, you know, does all this stuff, why would you have that. But that’s just the reality of the situation. So I love how you have that step up. It kind of also reminds me of yoga or working out, you know, sometimes we have the limited mobility, we can’t do the full pushup. So I’m going to do the one with my knees on the ground, and these arms are still going to get the workout and also get the benefit and feel better because I did the activity instead of worse, because I have an unhealthy lifestyle, and I never got started. So I love how you help people get started with that.

Cynthia Phelps 27:35
Well, you know, you bring up something this, you’re focused on the negative, there’s actually a term for that in the research called the negativity bias. And researchers think that it is there. Because if we pay attention to things that are negative, it helps us to protect ourselves. And so it’s kind of like a survival strategy that is like in our species, if you will. And so it’s not a huge problem. And it, but it’s important for us to recognize that it exists in all of us. And so this is why gratitude journaling works so well, right, is it it offsets that negativity bias, but the inner language, you know, supportive inner language offsets the negativity bias as well.

Shannon M. 28:20
So good. And I love your story, you know, it was brave to share things that if somebody looks at you, like you said, you have to ask somebody how they’re doing, or you might not know, you know, and that’s the dangerous thing about women who are so amazing as all the women that we have the opportunity to be connected to, because we are the people that take care of everybody else. Right? So they might not know if you don’t share. And even if they don’t know, okay, that’s for them and our relationship. That’s the community care. But what about you? How are you taking care of how are you doing when you go home? When you go to sleep? At the end of your life? How are we doing, you know, and so I love talking to myself better every day increases the wellness, and every day, and then over a lifetime is a beautiful life and relationship with me staying connected to the source like we’re talking about, which is where I get my validation from, right, and also having a better relationship with myself. And it’s really been amazing, especially as a small business owner, because now instead of being like, okay, Shannon, last year, you were great at the financials this year, you’re not being as specific and being on time as much well, the capacity is different, you know, so as we grow, how do we keep the habits that we need, and I am able to take it as a learning opportunity and do it as a SWOT analysis instead of you’re backsliding or you’re not doing what you need to do, or this isn’t going to work. It’s Wait a minute, let’s look at the context and then see where we need to go next.

Cynthia Phelps 29:47
That sounds very wise. Yeah. Yeah, because we change all the time, our needs change, and even our goals change. And so I love the idea of a regular SWOT analysis. This.

Shannon M. 30:00
Yeah. And it’s like you said, though, like how you feel in your body affects how you perceive other things happening. Right. So we’ve talked about our self care practices, and I would love to hear yours to your specifically outside of gratitude and things that we’ve talked about around spiritual wellness, but checking in with our bodies, like Christina always does, where do you feel really good? And where do you know, are you feeling a little pain and breathe in between those two places. And for me, that helps me stay centered through work and all the different situations that we find ourself in. But also when something’s going on, and I want to get upset, it’s like, wait a minute, I’m able to kind of hold it instead of just react, I’m able to pause and respond instead?

Cynthia Phelps 30:42
Yeah, that’s a great question. You know, I think sometimes when people come to me for coaching, they have this idea that I am perfect at self compassion. You know, and then I, you know, I’ve got it all figured out. And, and that is, when I really remind them that this is just a practice, right, all of the self care, things are a practice. And, you know, I sometimes struggle with creating regular practices for myself. And so I know for sure that I will arrange my environment in a way to support me, you know, and like, Christine, you were talking about this before, like, you do yoga as a meditative practice. Because like the movement with the meditative practice, what’s works for you, right? And I take Qigong classes, which is something where I have to show up with other people, and do a thing. And that is really important for me. So for me to kind of structure my my life to keep myself grounded and healthy. And the whole eight dimensions, basically. And I think, like you, like you said, Shannon, sometimes we change and things, some habits stopped serving us. And then we have to bring in new habits, we have to let go of habits, right. And that’s one thing that I love about self compassion is that we can give ourselves grace when we change. You know, we’re not these consistent automaton people who never change and are, you know, always, you know, once you, once you become compassionate to yourself, you’re just, you’re just done. And, I mean, that would be awesome, kind of, but I don’t know, it would probably be pretty boring to

Shannon M. 32:38
kind of monotonous. Well, we were just

Christine Gautreaux 32:41
talking about the changing of the seasons, right? And I think often our practices change around that, because the light changes, like, I don’t know, y’all when it gets colder. I don’t want to get out of bed as quick as I like, there’s some practical reasons around it, too.

Shannon M. 32:57
Yeah. But that’s literally what’s the seals newsletter was about this week, and we talked about it. And it was because the sun’s going down, you know, it’s getting colder, maybe it’s harder to move your bones. And I said, that makes a lot of sense. You know, it just shifts and so you shift with the season and still be effective.

Christine Gautreaux 33:13
Right? Well, and I think about that, I think about when if our listener gets off track Scindia like, say they realize listening to this episode, hey, you know, I really don’t speak kindly to myself. Or I could use some support in this area. Or what does speaking kindly to myself, you can look like, like, we’re where do you start? Like, where do you start with that relationship with your inner voice?

Cynthia Phelps 33:42
with grace, first of all, because we’re always kind of refining it, you know, if you’re on that path of being self compassionate, you’re never going to, you know, it’s just a journey. And it and that’s the most important way to start is to know that you know, you’re not in it, to try to get an A, you know, you’re in it, to nurture yourself and to hold yourself gently. And if you are just beginning and you haven’t really thought about it at all, the easiest way is to think about the last time that one of your friends was suffering and came to you for help or support. Because so frequently, we’re really good at helping other people. Now, we may not say the perfect words, right? Because oftentimes, like a person who’s suffering the words or not, they don’t have to be perfect. You have to show up and you have to care and you have to be kind and you have to be gentle. And you wouldn’t say things like, Well, why did you do that? It Right, like so. It’s a pretty good model for For the most part, thinking about how you have treated a friend in the past, who was suffering, and then taking some of those actions, some of those words, some of those inspirations even, and then trying them on. One of the things that happened for me, when I did this is it just felt weird. It didn’t. I felt like I didn’t have permission to be kind to myself, like, if I was kind to myself, like something like the piano would fall on my head or something, right? It was, I was a little concerned that some that something would happen, like bad things would happen if I were all of a sudden kind to myself. And and it turns out, there’s a lot of different ways that people are resistant to practicing self compassion that are based on our culture, and so forth. But I think so giving yourself the permission for it to feel a little awkward is another great thing to kind of have in your back pocket as you’re beginning to practice. And that’s kind of why I created the inner allies, again, was because I wanted it there almost like a cheat sheet for how to talk to yourself in instead of having to make everything up myself, I could just turn to some of these phrases, and then say, Oh, well, I want to adapt it for this particular situation that I’m in right now that I’m facing this whatever struggle or difficulty, and that makes it a lot easier. And in sometimes I even think about it like putting on the costume of that inner ally. And Christine, you had this great method of when I was I can’t remember what I was getting ready to do. But you said, Who do you want to be when you do that? And I could pick anybody like, you know, dead or alive or mystical or whatever. And that was so fun and refreshing. Right? And that’s some of the way that I think about the inner allies is whose costume do I want to wear? Do I need the shield of security that comes with the night? Right? Or do I need the loving kindness that comes from the grandmother, or the cheering that comes from the cheerleader? And that’s, uh, that makes it easier for me. It makes it a little more fun, quite frankly, because a lot of this, you know, self help stuff can sometimes become drawl.

Christine Gautreaux 37:42
Well, it’s another thing to do sometimes, right? It’s the other thing to ask right now, I think Did you hold up your cards a second ago? For our listeners that are watching? Will you hold them up? And so for our listeners that are listening, Cynthia, Dr. Phelps is holding up her inner ally deck that you can find on her website, we’re gonna put a link to that in. And also, you can find it in our VIP wellness bundle that you get if you sign up for the VIP conference for the women connected with some conference. But oh, I love that one. Yeah, read the thing. Oh, since we’re talking about spiritual Oh, sorry, Shannon. Can she read?

Shannon M. 38:19
Yeah, read the st. And then there was one that we shared the other day it said success is that the king card? Can you read the king after you read?

Cynthia Phelps 38:28
So the saint, the emotional superpower of the saint is forgiveness. It says I embody the life changing power of forgiveness, I help you face your mistakes with compassion and grace instead of harsh judgment. And in fact, I’m workshop coming up on a mini retreat, I’m calling it to try and make it sound less painful. A mini retreat on forgiveness. And it’s all inner forgiveness. So it happens within yourself, whether you’re forgiving yourself or forgiving someone else within yourself. And so I’m excited about that. That’s going to be November 19. And so the st is really, really critical because you can hold yourself back if you have not forgiven yourself for something.

Shannon M. 39:18
And before we go to the king to can we talk about that a little bit because when we talk about financial wellness or social wellness, friends and relationships or work situations, I feel like forgiveness has been so key, you know, whether it’s Hey, I know I could have done better. I’m sorry about that or forgiving myself for being in that situation. But then if it’s somebody else, this person is never going to apologize, right? Depending on our definition of closure. You might not get closure from that person. What are you going to do you know and forgiving that I allowed myself to be in that position sometimes or allowed somebody maybe to say something without standing up for myself? That is helped me be able to move past stuff. When before I might have still been looking for that, and that’s when we can stay the age of whatever situation we deal with. That’s a great question. Christine. Christine just asked, What day is the mini forgiveness retreat? It is November

Cynthia Phelps 40:12
19 2022. For the holidays. Yeah.

Christine Gautreaux 40:17
Link? Oh, that’s a great way that. Yeah, before you get around all the family or people that might activate you,

Shannon M. 40:25
they might show you Yeah,

Christine Gautreaux 40:27
great. I really, I am going to put a link to your website and how people can reach you to Cynthia, but you know, that’ll all be in our show notes. Oh, great. Great.

Shannon M. 40:37
Okay, so the King, I shared this, we were talking about the Amazon bestseller, right. And one of my bartenders asked me, How do you feel now that your Amazon bestseller? And I don’t know if I know how to verbalize it all the way yet. So I would love to talk more about that. What does that one say?

Cynthia Phelps 40:53
Well, the king superpower is success. And this card says I in the master of my domain, I hope you recognize your successes and feel competent about your achievements. And so this this card is so much is about permission, permission to celebrate your successes, permission to recognize your successes, you know, even if your success is going to bed early. And as as women, you know, now that we’re all best selling authors, yes. I think it can be hard to celebrate our success sometimes because we’re supposed to be humble. And yet While that is true, you know, we’re not supposed to actively make other people feel bad about themselves. We’re more conditioned, though, to hold ourselves back. And so this, the king is all about permission for you to celebrate your successes, and also to go for your successes, and to not hold yourself back from any kind of inner dialogue that you have that oh, I’m not good enough to do this, or that kind of thing.

Shannon M. 42:15
Yeah. And I think that’s huge. You know, we were just to talk about facil, again, talking about at the end of your goal and everything that you work for, right? Rest and rejoice. And a lot of times, because based on the environment, it’s important to know where the dangers are, like we said, that’s natural, right? Stay alert, stay on your toes, make sure you know what’s going on. But some of the stuff that’s going on is we’re Amazon Best Sellers. And we can say that too. You know, I can say, hey, the election is coming up, I need to be mindful of it. And hey, I have a book and you can get it on Amazon and these other places.

Christine Gautreaux 42:51
I love how excited I mean, I love y’all, it’s new. If you’re just tuning in to our podcast, this is a new development in the last two weeks. That’s why we keep repeating it because we’re so excited about it. Really? Yeah.

Shannon M. 43:04
In the success, we are

Christine Gautreaux 43:04
celebrate. And you can find that in the link to our show notes too. Yeah, I I think about how, like often I don’t think I’m cool in my inner voice. But often when you say that about putting limitations, like all do the thing about oh, you’re not ready, or it’s not. The perfectionist part shows up, right? I think so many like it’s like, oh, is it good enough? And I mean, not that I mean, how to say this, like, I don’t really struggle with Am I good enough? But sometimes I think is the product good enough? Or is it? Is it Ray, you know, they’re so closely intertwined sometimes, especially when you’re entrepreneurs and solopreneurs. But what do you got for us there? What inner ally? Or what do we mean, when we are going for it in our businesses and our lives? And?

Cynthia Phelps 43:59
Well, I think I actually just want to take a moment and tie it back to your definition of spiritual wellness, you know, where you said, it’s all about how you see yourself in the world. And so your inner voice creates kind of a lens for you for how you see the world and how you see yourself in the world. And so, you know, quite honestly, any inner li that can help you be more kind and supportive to yourself is going to help you and that’s, that’s kind of, you know, people ask me like, well, what’s the best inner ally and I’m like all of them. They kind of all do the same thing, but they come at it from a different perspective. And so let’s see, one of the ones that pops into my mind. Christine is the innocent for or what you just talked about, about maybe not being good enough, it is. self acceptance is really the opposite to perfectionism. And so the innocence says, you know, may I accept myself the way I am even with my imperfections. So this LI helps you to set realistic standards for yourself approaching challenges with curiosity and play, which I think you do excellently

Christine Gautreaux 45:30
Thank you, my friend he has, I was just thinking, I wanted to give you a shout out because we were you know, the class that Sheila and I teach on Tuesday mornings, the radical self and community care. We were talking about you this week. So I wouldn’t be surprised if you got a few orders for your cards. Because, you know, often when we do and we talk about self compassion and bring you up, because you were in our book Stillpoint that, that people get excited. I mean, I love promoting your work. It’s part of the joy of women connected and wisdom is like, Hey, y’all, how come we my friend, she’s ridiculously smart. And she’s got something that works really well.

Shannon M. 46:09
No, really, it’s so good. And I tell the story, sometimes I went to the recording for Black History Month and was doing this quote, and they tried to pull it, they said, you know, pull the sadness out, and I couldn’t find it. You know, I didn’t know how to act a certain way on camera, because I’ve worked so hard to be genuine and be myself. But how to articulate the emotions and break them down the way that you do, has really helped me get clear. And that part is something that I’ve been working on. So it’s been amazing. I can’t wait to get my cards. I’m excited about it. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. And I hear what you guys are saying about? It depends on what you need. Right? Maybe you need a cheerleader like you got this, you can do it right. Or maybe you need the grandmother, like you got this. I’m sorry, that is so difficult, right. But you will get through it and whatever that person would say. So I think if somebody were to ask me, I will probably say, whichever one you need, that’s the best one at that time, whatever is relevant. And that’s what I think about when I think about spiritual wellness and even connectedness, you know, what do I need in that time, that’s the best fit. If we don’t need to be talking about finances, instead, we’re talking about emotions, we can have the best resources financially, I’m still going to be in the same position. So that’s why I love the connected wisdom, the network that we’re building, because sometimes you might need this. And sometimes you might need that. But you can make it make sense and get plugged in where you need to.

Cynthia Phelps 47:36
You know, one of the things that has happened recently is my mentor, Dr. Kristin Neff, she just published a book called fierce self compassion. And so it ties into what you just said in that sometimes you need different things. And so each of these cards are a way to be self compassionate to yourself. But if you look at it through the lens of kind of, I call it nurturing self compassion versus fear, self compassion. So nurturing self compassion was sounds more like I would say, the grandma character, where it’s like, Oh, honey, got this, like you’re doing great, you know, that like sweet voice that is there to nurture and take care of you. But then you can also have a fierce voice, one that says, No, I’m not going to do that. No, that goes against my values. And or no, you’re not allowed to speak to me like that. Which is like a very strong and powerful voice. And so you can really choose to kind of use whatever flavor of self compassion with whatever card you want.

Shannon M. 48:51
Yeah. And I know we have the wisdom and action. And just in case you don’t remember it is something that we will you say you remember, so the action steps that you’re doing for spiritual wellness this week, but even before or maybe after Christine or Cynthia, however, you ladies want to do it. I have another question about the digital. What did we say in your bio? Digital? Where’s it? Where’s

Christine Gautreaux 49:15
the different digital interactive,

Shannon M. 49:16
the digital interactive design, because a lot of times social media and us being online is skewing the way that people see themselves, right. So we’re intentional about having very healthy positive places online. That right now feels like a minimum. So it gets in the midst of all this stuff, right? So how do you have that conversation with somebody who’s working on their inner voice, but also trying to balance the comparison that happens when you’re online?

Cynthia Phelps 49:45
Yeah, that is the comparison is the thief of joy, for sure. You know, it’s, I could talk for a very long time about this topic. So I’ll try to be really brief but cuz when I first started designing online or mobile tech, it was back before, you know, we only thought about, like how it was going to make the world a better place, we didn’t really understand that money driving the process would create some systems that weren’t harmful to people. And so, you know, what we know now is that, you know, infinite scrolling has a negative impact on people and the ability for people to, you know, have a highlight reel of their life, it can seem like when you’re sitting in your own house, it’s kind of boring, and you feel kind of frumpy, you know, watching somebody’s trip to Greece can feel pretty, pretty damaging in and I think that it, you can definitely use some language with yourself, I would, first of all, just normalize the fact that you’re only getting the very best of people on social media. You know, when I in when I take my photos to do my marketing, I take 25 photos, and then I pick the best one, you know, and I and I can sit and rest off fairly authentic. So I think it’s important to, to acknowledge the fact that everybody’s everybody’s putting, it’s not real, it is just a slice of reality. And to just love on yourself it to know that you’re worthy, because you are human, and you deserve compassion and grace. You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to be something else. You know, that’s, that is a core spirituality message that I preach all the time. And that is that you are worthy because you exist. And I believe that to my core.

Christine Gautreaux 51:58
Hmm. I love that.

Shannon M. 52:02
Yes. Okay. So I asked you before, I know, I do like to three part question sometimes. What is your wisdom and action for this week for your spiritual wellness?

Cynthia Phelps 52:11
You know, one of the things that I have done recently is I have just signed up with a personal trainer. And I know that doesn’t sound like spiritual wellness. But as you know, all of the eight dimensions are connected. And so I am feeling kind of low in that dimension of wellness right now. And so I’m excited about picking that up.

Shannon M. 52:34
Hey, wait, I love I love that. Okay, so if you had to do a hashtag, what would it be?

Cynthia Phelps 52:41
Cool. I think hashtag you can do it.

Christine Gautreaux 52:45
I love that.

Shannon M. 52:47
Hashtag you can

Cynthia Phelps 52:48
I might need that reminder some days. We got to

Christine Gautreaux 52:51
yeah,

Shannon M. 52:52
definitely got you. What about you Christine wisher wasn’t an action this week?

Christine Gautreaux 52:57
Well, what I’m thinking about is, I’m about to go camping for four days. And so nature is very much tied to my spiritual practice and being outside. So I think mine is going to be hashtag a go to nature.

Shannon M. 53:16
Go to nature, I’m writing it down. I love that. I have a lot of hashtags over here. You said so many, like key things today, Cynthia, but I think if I had to pick one, and usually I break the rules into a couple, but I’m going to do hashtag start with grace. Because for my spiritual practice, I feel like that has helped me connect to other people, right? Let them be who they are. And then you respond accordingly. But also with myself, right as I start new things go into New Seasons and new levels. Start with grace. Beautiful. Thank you. Yes,

Christine Gautreaux 53:51
I love that one so much. And before we go, y’all I just we don’t often do this, but I need to show you all Cynthia’s website and there’s a reason it’s going to be in our show notes. But the reason is, I need to give a shout out to my god doggie. So Cynthia’s has a picture of Aliaga on her website, and it was aliados birthday yesterday. So Aliaga if you are listening, you’re T loves you and Happy Happy Birthday. And next time I see you I will bring you a dog treat.

Shannon M. 54:24
So happy birthday aljada.

Christine Gautreaux 54:27
She does one of the cutest dogs you’ve ever seen. For those that were not watching. You can go to inner ally.com and see a picture of one of the cutest wiener dogs. So you know I had to give her a shout out because she does listen. Every time she hears my voice she starts barking and wants to get up and see me on the phone was India thank you so much for taking time to be with us today. I’m so grateful for your wisdom your work in the world and just who you are my friend. Yeah I’m just really, really grateful for you.

Cynthia Phelps 55:02
My pleasure. I am so delighted to be in community with both of you.

Christine Gautreaux 55:07
Thank you so much. Talk to you soon. Oh, hey, before we go, you’re speaking at the upcoming women connected wisdom conference right at the end of October, right? That the 25th. You are yes, you kick off our conference, you are one of our first speaker. So on October 25, y’all, you can get more of Dr. Phelps wisdom. And the conference is free. If you buy a general ticket, and they also if you want to sign up and get the VIP ticket, you get all the conference recordings, plus a really cool wellness bundle that includes Dr. Phelps inner ally cards. So we’ll put a link to that in the show notes and check it out. And you can always go to the women connecting the wisdom.com website. So Cynthia, I’m gonna pop you back in the green room, my friend, and thank you so much for being here with us today. So appreciate you. Yes. Oh, my goodness, such a good. I feel like we could talk for like two more hours.

Shannon M. 56:04
No, we always are. I mean, that’s how it’s been. That’s why we’re here. Right? We said we need more time. More people have to hear these conversations.

Christine Gautreaux 56:12
Right? So good. It just gives me so much to think about and, and just reflect on for this week. So

Shannon M. 56:20
and I think I need to listen more, you know, when they when we talk about your inner voice in your your, the way you spend your time at first they say just monitor what happens and monitored a little bit. And just like lady said, I was surprised with a little bit of the roughness that I heard in the voice you know, so I’m gonna go, I’m gonna do the compassion test and see what it tells me.

Christine Gautreaux 56:41
Right, the quiz. Hey, Catherine, thanks for listening today. Catherine said earlier that she’s a big fan of Dr. Phelps. And also does that was a fabulous interview. Thanks for being here today. We appreciate you. Yeah, go the quiz, we’re gonna put that link in our show notes, you can go to inner ally.com and take the quiz or sign up for Cynthia’s forgiveness mini retreat that’s coming up. Which I know the power of that in my life has been really good. So yeah,

Shannon M. 57:06
and especially when we talk about spirituality, I think about the first step of self care that you guys talk about. It’s still point that’s separating, right? Some of this is my responsibility, a lot of it is not. And in life, a lot of the stuff that happens is out of your control. So having that forgiveness isn’t right.

Christine Gautreaux 57:25
Well, and you know, one of the steps of skills of self care that we identified is letting go and surrendering. And I think often that that pairs really well with Dr. Phelps work and also about forgiveness, like sometimes, you know, we just have to let it go. And like you were saying earlier, like the person you may not have closure like you imagined it, but there are ways there are tools that you can learn to let it go and I know that she’s going to give those in her upcoming workshop. So yeah, my friend I have so enjoyed our conversation today, as always is so grateful for you.

Shannon M. 57:59
Thank you. Almost there. We’re in our 80s Now look great for ADA. Okay, guys. So again, we have the conference coming up. You want to see us again, go get your ticket, we have the recordings available, that stuff is going to be amazing. But in the meantime, we’ll see you next week and be well be wise be whole. Talk to you soon.

InnerAlly – Spiritual Wellness with Dr. Cynthia Phelps

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