Show notes –
Emotional and Mental Wellness: According to the University of California is “…important to be attentive to both positive and negative feelings and be able to understand how to handle these emotions. Emotional wellness also includes the ability to learn and grow from the experience. Emotional well-being encourages autonomy and proper decision-making skills.
“A Coach with a Colgate smile & Passion for Women”
As a Relationship Coach and Empowerment Speaker for girls (teens/preteens) and women, Chanda understands the importance of cultivating healthy, loving relationships and the power of positive influence and how it impacts our ability to communicate effectively, love ourselves correctly, and develop meaningful relationships with others.
Chanda has been a resident of Gwinnett County her entire life- most of which she has lived in the small but growing city of Duluth. Outside of being a mom, speaker and entrepreneur, Chanda has always had a passion for serving others and uses her gifts and voice to empower and inspire girls and women in the community.
As Founder /Owner of Boundless Queenz Ministries and Chanda C Speaks- her mission and passion is to help women to discover the power in their purpose and to recognize that they are deserving of relationships that are life GIVING and not life TAKING.
Shealo Glo – www.shealoglo.com Now offering Subscriptions * Delivered on the 1st & 15th!
Nominate your Shearo by emailing subject “My Shearo” shealoglo@gmail.com
Stillpoint – https://www.amazon.com/Stillpoint-Self-Care-Playbook-Caregivers-Breathe/dp/1732370400
Book a free inquiry coaching session with Christine here: https://www.christinegautreaux.com
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Listen to past episodes: https://womenconnectedinwisdompodcast.com/
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Our guest Chanda Curinton:
Follow Chanda on Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/chanda_curinton/
Connect with Chanda on LinkedIn – Chanda’s LinkedIN – https://www.linkedin.com/in/chanda-curinton315/
Link to Dr. Diem Mooney’s LinkedIN Post:
https://www.linkedin.com/posts/diem-mooney_drdiem-outgrowthebox-activity-6893975108005023744-U-JC
Stats on Domestic Violence: https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service Learn more
800-799-7233
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more
800-273-8255
Show Transcript –
NOTE: While it’s not perfect, we offer this transcription by Otter.ai for those who are hearing impaired or who don’t find listening to a podcast enjoyable or possible.
Christine Gautreaux 0:31 Gosh, I love it. I love our dancing today. I have so much to talk to you about and tell you about. Do you remember our guests? Bootsy Peters, who was on who is doing the bay healing art project? You remember from Houston, Texas. I remember her name. So this project is ongoing until April. Right? Okay. We meet once a month as artist activist women coming together to heal ourselves in the stuff around racial equity. So we can come together and support each other. Right? Yeah. So this happens at eight o’clock on Sunday nights, which, you know, me my friends like, late, though, right, so this is your Vita. Well, I was at a conference all weekend. And so I was online way too much. And then I was like, Oh my gosh, it’s musi thing tonight. I gotta go, right? Yeah, I’m thinking it’s gonna be this laid back thing, you know, a group, a women’s circle. I get on there. And I don’t have the sister’s name in front of me and I need to get it because I want her to come and be on our show. Okay. Two hours of Haitian dance. Okay, like, but I tell you, yeah, okay, but when I do this today, my shoulders like girl that is Sunday. That is Shannon M. 2:13 How are you my friend? I’m good. I’m good. I’m happy to be here talking about our topic today. Yeah, I can’t wait to dive in. Yeah, it’s our 53rd episode. So I know. We celebrated a year but we were officially over the mark of an episode for a week for a year. So yeah, I’m excited. All right. Well, I’m doubly excited for our guests today. Who has been? Well, we’ll tell you the history when we pull her up here. But should we do our official intro and kickoff show? Alright, let’s do it. Let’s start to do it. Hey, guys, I am Shannon Mitchell, a black millennial business owner, the founder of Shiloh glow, a handmade shea butter company. I am your champion for natural self care and practical business systems. Chanda Curinton 6:28 haze and Starbucks. Yes, yes. So we started. So we said that we’ve known her for a while, right? It’s been four years now. We all started at manifestation Monday’s a group where we support each other personally and professionally talking about our goals and our wins, which was huge and has been huge do COVID. And it’s been so long since I’ve seen you I know we’ve been venturing off. And you’ve been working with the ladies having speaking engagements. So I’m so excited to hear what you’re working on right now. And to talk to the lady so we can have some resources and tools in our belt to have healthy balanced relationships. Absolutely. And again, you guys, thank you so much for having me on here. I have missed you guys. So much. And you know, just looking back from when we first met and started, you know, manifestation Mondays, everybody has grown so much. And everybody has, you know, had goals that they had, you know, set out to do and, you know, we’re literally like walking in that very thing that we all have talked about, like we’ve literally manifested those things. And so, I’m just so proud of y’all. And like I said, I’m so excited to be here I really am. And, you know, again, as it relates to, you know, being in relationships, I think it is so important that we as women understand that we are deserving of healthy relationships is so important. Um, you know, relationships are a huge part of our lives. And friendships are also, you know, a huge part of our lives as well. And right now, you know, I recently finished my certification as a official relationship coach. So, you know, my next step is to start taking clients, you know, essentially to get them to better understand themselves as it relates to, you know, relationships, whether if they’re, you know, single, because you know, how can be sometimes when you’re in a single season of sync, being single singleness, and you know, someone who may have just recently gone through a breakup, you know, emotionally, you know, that can put you in a space as well. But just again, just getting back to normalizing and cultivating healthy relationships. I also think about my friends who are ready to start dating again, but they have some past baggage, or they have relationships that have gone off the rails before and they’re nervous, or they’re not sure. You know, I think about how we’ve heard for years, like, if a relationship doesn’t work, if you don’t work on yourself, you’re going to create the same environment, or the same relationship that you were in before. So I’d love to hear you speak to our listeners on that, like, how do you break patterns that are unhealthy, and not to blame or shame where they came from, but like, how do you break them? How do you change if you’re not happy with the relationships you’ve had? Or currently have? How do you get out? What do you do? Well, I mean, every relationship and every circumstance is different. So you know, just speaking from my personal experience, again, just a little bit of background, I went through dating violence as a teen and as a young adult. And it really makes my situation or story a little bit unique because growing up, you know, I had parents to have those conversations with me about what relationship should look like and what’s acceptable behavior and what’s not. But I still fell victim, you know, so to speak, to abusive relationships. And in knowing myself at that time, there was so much that I did not know, there was a lot that I didn’t know. And just thinking that you can fix someone who has, you know, things that are deeper rooted, just understanding that there’s layers to those things, there’s layers as it relates to someone who may not know how to, I guess, conduct themselves in a relationship, they don’t know how to be in a relationship, because they were never given those examples. But, um, but to answer your question, you know, for me, in order for me to break that cycle, I had to first acknowledge the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. You know, I went through these emotions of feeling embarrassed, I went through these, you know, emotions of feeling like I had failed, and kind of blaming myself, because again, I didn’t want people to know that, oh, God, you know, another relationship has failed, like, here we go again. But it’s just being able, first and foremost, to acknowledge that the abuse exists. And once you acknowledge that, even though that might be a hard step for you to take, that’s the best step that you can take. Because now, it gives you that opportunity to move forward and to get yourself out of a space that’s unhealthy. Um, and once you acknowledge that abuse, it also allows you to start working on yourself, it allows you to start saying, okay, you know, not necessarily blaming yourself, but it just allows you to focus on okay, why did I allow myself to stay in something that I knew that was unhealthy? You know, what it is a, what is it internally about me, that made me think that this was okay. So you go through those motions, you know, of asking yourselves those questions. Um, and once you acknowledge that the abuse exists, when it’s like, you have to change those negative thought patterns, you have to change those patterns as it relates to okay, how can I say this, like holding yourself accountable? As it relates to Okay, am I picking the wrong people? You know, am I ignoring the red flags? You know, for the for the sake of trying to see the good in this person and ignoring you know, what else is going on in the background? So you have to change those thought patterns. And I’m sorry, oh, I just want to before we get into changing those thought patterns, I want to I want to identify for our listeners, something you said about like recognizing that you’re a victim of domestic violence, or that you are in an abusive relationship. Because I don’t think that’s always easy, right. I was on LinkedIn this week. And I saw a beautiful post, which I’ll tag you in. And it was from a gentleman who His name is Dan Mooney, and he has his PhD in psychology. And it says, What does a victim of domestic violence looked like? I mean, this is this good looking man, boss strong. And he said me and he said, many have noticed that several of my recent posts were deleted and I mentioned that I was hacked, but realized after self reflecting that this is an opportunity to increase visibility on an on issues of domestic violence. He said in my previous marriage, I was physically emotionally and financially abused. She had borderline personality disorder, but refused to maintain treatment. This resulted in years of domestic abuse including stealing my identity to take out loans, emptying my bank accounts, having countless affairs putting me down constantly and banding in US randomly leaving me to leaving me to deal with the bills and our son alone. She leave for weeks months even a year and then just decide to come back without my consent. Christine Gautreaux 2:59 Hey, y’all. I’m Christine Gautreaux, a white social justice advocate and international speaker, coach and published author and a dancing social worker who helps you upgrade yourself in community care? Shannon M. 3:11 Yes. And together we are women connected in wisdom, a podcast grounded in the eight dimensions of wellness. Christine Gautreaux 3:17 And we like to get together every week and have intentional conversations about how to be wise in business in relationships and wellness. Like how do we do all this? We do it with today’s guest is one of the ways we do it. So what are we talking about today, Shannon set us up for our topic. Shannon M. 3:35 Love it. Today we are talking about emotional and mental wellness. And according to the University of California, it is important to be attentive to both positive and negative feelings and be able to understand how to handle these emotions. emotional wellness also includes the ability to learn and grow from experience. emotional well being encourages autonomy and proper decision making skills are Christine Gautreaux 4:02 something we have to have woven throughout our whole life. Shannon M. 4:05 Absolutely. Whether it is at work, right and occupational wellness, or we talk about with friends and relationships for ourself and how we choose to do things and how it affects us. So yeah, it’s all woven in together. Christine Gautreaux 4:20 I love it. I know we usually have a little more intro combo, but I want to bring our guest up quicker later because she has been a part of our lives for several years. We’ve been trying to get her on the show for a minute. So I’m going to read the bio. Now. It’s been four years now, right? Absolutely. So I’m going to read her bio and we’re going to pull her up on stage and just have her be a part of as much of the show is we can here we go. Yeah. So our next guest is a coach with a Colgate smile and a passion for women. Yep, we can say that’s true as a relief. Friendship coach and empowerment speaker for girls, teens and preteens and women. chonda understands the importance of cultivating healthy loving relationships and the power of positive influence and how it impacts our ability to communicate effectively love ourselves correctly and develop meaningful relationships with others. She has been a resident of Gwinnett County her entire life, most of which she has lived in the small but growing city of Duluth, she’s one of my neighbors, y’all. Outside of being a mom, speaker and entrepreneur. chonda has also had a passion for serving others and uses her gifts and voice to empower and inspire girls and women in the community as the founder and owner of boundless Queens ministries, and Shonda C speaks her mission and passion is to help women to discover the power in their purpose, and to recognize that they are deserving of relationships that are life giving, and not life taking. Oh my gosh, I love that we know such amazing women here on this day are so glad to have this conversation with you today. But pre show Shannon talk about what we were talking about. Without Really powerful when I read it because I was like it can happen anybody matter and what’s apart from me about your work is like it doesn’t matter about age like this start this can start as soon as kids start dating be all age all race all nationalities all like this is an epidemic. Chanda Curinton 14:36 Yes. Yes. Yes. Your Christine Gautreaux 14:39 that up so you could speak to it in other ways for our listeners to recognize it. Because if they cuz you know, like, stealing identity, like people might not think oh, that’s a beaut. That’s abuse. Absolutely. We’re keeping you on such a tight budget or not like that you can be financially abused to where you can’t leave the relationship. kinship, right, right? I’d love your take on this, but come to me, I kind of like when your choices are taken away, right? You need to be paying attention. Chanda Curinton 15:08 Absolutely. And again, so, like you said, it doesn’t discriminate against anybody. And I say that because as a young adult, the guy that I was dating at the time, he was very charming. He was very charismatic. I mean, he was very, like, gave me compliments all the time. He, um, you know, he was a great cook, granted, we work together. So you know, he would cook me paying for work, he will walk me out to my car, you know, at the end of my shift, and I’m saying all of these things, because at the time, I didn’t see that as him grooming me, so to speak. And not to say that there are men out there who do these things, and it’s wrong, but it’s more so about the intention behind it, if it’s a good intention, it’s not going to be anything negative attached to it, it’s not going to be anything self serving attached to it. So I just want to clarify that there are some great men out there, you know, but um, again, it’s a difference between being wronged and a difference between it being something genuine. And if you’re not brought up in an environment where you’ve witnessed abuse, you’re not going to recognize it, if you haven’t grown up in an environment where somebody is an addict, you’re not going to recognize it immediately, you know, you’re gonna think like, oh, I can fix this person, like, what’s going on? You know, because of the background I came from, I tried to share certain things with him, that I learned that were loving, and that were caring to possibly change his perspective on how he went about, I guess, conducting himself in a relationship. And again, that’s why I say it’s layers to all of these things. Because, you know, later on, I found out things about him that I, you know, never knew, you know, we’re going on. And while him and I were together, it’s funny, you talk about financial abuse, because that happened to me. And I didn’t realize it at first what was going on, because, again, him and I were working together, and I wanted to finish school. So he was like, Hey, you want to finish school, you know, you stay at home, I’ll pay the bills, you know, don’t worry about anything. And at the time, you know, it sounded like a great idea. But as time went on, he would do things as a relates to, you know, money, he would withhold money from me, because he knew there were things that I needed, you know, to do for myself, and let me remind you, he was nine years older than I was at the time. So I mean, he would, he would withhold money from me, and the little money that I did have, he would try to control that and tell me, You know what to spend it on. And he would leave me in a space where I couldn’t do anything for myself, and he would tease me about that, you know, even if it was something as small as you know, gas money, you know, how many $20 for gas money, and he would, you know, kind of sit back and laugh at me. But in my mind, I’m like, you know, this is what you offer to me. But now he uses it to his his advantage to manipulate the situation and it goes back to, you know, having that control, because essentially, that’s what it was. So, again, you won’t recognize it, it will be seen or disguised as a kind gesture, when really is just them, you know, reeling you in, and you know, just putting you in a space to where you solely have to depend on them for like, every day, necessity, necessity. So I went, I went through that, you know, unfortunately. Shannon M. 18:47 And it’s so interesting, you know, what I think about when you talk about the thought process and breaking down the negative thoughts is people’s belief that they deserve that, you know, to realize certain situations, you know, their self respect, there’s also self disrespect, that was disrespecting myself by not holding these boundaries, you know, and letting certain things happen. So just like you said, I’d never thought about, well, maybe not the way that you put it roomy, right in a relationship, you them treating you a certain type of way. So you get used to it, and then flip it on you. But instead it’s having set boundaries for yourself or just standards, this and no one in a relationship, knowing that your words, you know, asking for those things and expecting that to be a minimum is what helped me you know, it’s not just somebody being nice to you, there’s nice people all over the place. And I suppose it mean that the posture of their hardest correct or that their motivations are correct. So now I think about it kind of like a job position, right? If you want to position in my life, one you have to apply. I don’t just give jobs out to people who don’t apply If you don’t get the position, so got to interview, you got to be qualified, you have to be accepted for the position. And then after you also have to keep the right, how are we growing in the company and things like that, you know, because a company can be set up as a one person company or a two person company. So, depending on the season, like we were talking about before, Christine Gautreaux 20:24 so it can be a limited partnership. Like, yeah, you got most qualified candidates Shannon M. 20:36 here. Yes, but I like what you were talking about, because stuff does go Miss, you know, and that’s my next question, Shawn, is, how does somebody that’s not the actual person in the relationship, but is, um, close in proximity? How would I support my friend, that is, if I have a friend who is going through something, what are the correct actions to not over to be supported? Chanda Curinton 21:09 What I have learned is, you know, when you’re dealing with someone that is very close to you, or just anyone in general, I have learned that when they come to you in that space, they’re already vulnerable. And they’re already feeling some type of way about themselves, you know, they’re in a place where they have low self esteem, you know, they’re questioning their self worth. So when they come to you, I have learned to just listen number one, and ask for permission to give your advice, you know, I have learned to do that, because sometimes, like I said, again, they’re already in a vulnerable space, and you don’t want to say, the wrong thing to make them feel some type of way about coming to you in the first place. So again, I always ask, I listen, and I always ask for permission, you know, before I give any advice, um, not only that, um, you don’t necessarily want to put limits on how you support them. And I say that because, you know, we all know someone who may have, you know, been in a relationship, and they may say, Hey, I’m leaving him, I’m leaving him, I’m done, I’m done, I’m done. But the next thing, you know, they’re back together, well, even in that you want to support them. Because again, you don’t want to make your support conditional. You don’t want it to be well, you know, if they go back with this guy, then you know, hey, I’m not gonna support them. That’s not how you show your support. Um, and I’ve also learned too, that you don’t necessarily want to make horrible comments. And and I say that to say more so like, well, you’re stupid, if you stay with him, or, you know, I can’t believe you would stay with him, you know, afterwards. So you just really want to be careful about how you approach that delicate situation. But I have definitely learned in just doing those things, just being there just being a listening ear and asking, like I said, for permission, and just supporting them, no matter what, I have noticed that that helps them tremendously. Um, and you also want to make sure that, you know, if they do come to you, you want to let them know that it’s a judgment. It’s a judgment free zone. And if it’s a safe space, they need to know that. Because again, just as somebody who’s gone through, you know, emotional abuse and physical abuse, it wasn’t always easy, saying, you know, hey, you know, I need I need help. You know, sometimes those that that phrase is the hardest phrase for someone to say is that I need help. And, Channing, you mentioned something earlier about setting boundaries. And I’m so glad you brought that up. Because as it relates to setting boundaries, I think it’s important that we get to a space where we normalize that and know that that is okay to set boundaries. I mean, especially in relationships, and when you set boundaries, stand firm on those boundaries, do not waver your boundaries. Because when you set boundaries, that basically puts whoever you’re dating, or whatever, whoever your friends are, that just gives them parameters for you on what type of behavior is going to be accepting to you or not. And even in setting boundaries, I tell my girls, no is a complete sentence. There’s no explanation behind it. No, and when you say no, again, stand firm on that, because believe it or not, when you set boundaries, that’s when you learn a person’s true colors. because either they’re gonna respect your boundaries, but someone who is, you know, manipulative and controlling, they’ll try to go against it, just to see how serious you are about setting those boundaries. So I’m glad you brought that up. Because again, setting boundaries sometimes can be somebody else’s, you know, worst nightmare because now like I said, you’re putting, you know that that that firm confirmation and like, No, this is these are my expectations and you stand on that, you know, Christine Gautreaux 25:17 y’all just springing up all kinds of stuff for me, like all kinds, I wanted to shout out for our listeners like y’all, this can happen to anybody, like the national statistics on domestic violence, it says, on average, nearly twice per minute, are physically abused by an incident in the United States. In one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men, one in four women and one in nine men. That’s like the story that is bubbling up for me that I want to tell y’all because it is just what came up when you started talking was a couple years back. And it was like 3am in the morning. And my oldest daughter was on her way home. And she came in and told me that a neighbor and a friend had a whole bunch of police cars by their house and something was going on. And she said, Will you text her? And I text her and said, Hey, do you need me to come over? And she said, Yes, please come over. And I get over there. And it was a domestic violence situation where there was alcohol involved, and they were having a big fight. And he got physically abusive. And this has not happened before. I mean, this was a marriage, we’re in suburbs of Duluth, you know, we are in and, but he had a handgun. And he was and we want to bring this in because of what’s happening in our Georgia Legislature, actually, eight then I want to talk to our listeners about too. So he had been going out to the car rummaging around in the trunk where the handgun lift right? And so by this time I was there, the police were there. You know, he was telling this whole story of yarn about it was just BS, but you know, he was still agitated. And I said to the police officers, who were two white police officers, and the my friends were a white couple too. And I said to the officers, you know, he has a gun. And he, that’s what he was looking for. And they looked at me and I said, Ma’am, I’m illegal to own a gun in Georgia. And I said, Sir, that is how women die. And they did not take his gun. And I they did not like, and, and I ended up bringing this friend home with me that night stayed up all night, because then I’m thinking, I’ve just put my family in danger, like, right, like, but I didn’t know what else to do. And so I called for some resources. And, you know, because one resource was to because one of the interventions was her boundary was she was not going home until the gun was gone, which was, you know, probably a life saving decision. And, but the police wouldn’t take it, because he hadn’t committed a crime. And so I checked into the resources and you know, my background social work, and I went and sat down with him and said, hey, you know, this is her boundary. And do you have somebody that you can give the gun to somebody that you trust to get it off this property. And he looks at me and says, you know, I was like this. But I took it, I took it, and I locked it up. And I kept it. I kept it for a year. And to speak to your point of she was not ready to leave. And what I do for my friend and sister was to take away the weapon that could kill her and keep it safe. And I want to tell you all he called a couple of times during that year, and would say oh, she said that I could have the gun back. I’d be like, Oh, okay, dead ended up never like. Right, but I want to bring this up y’all because right now, under the gold dome in Georgia is Senate Bill 319. Where they are trying to pass and push through a bill where you have permitless carry, but you don’t have to have a background check to buy guns or guys do not have to have a permanent to carry concealed, like this is dangerous for women. So I reached out to my senator today, I want to encourage all our listeners to reach out to your senator if you are a listener in Georgia, Texas recently passed this bill. It is not good. It is not I mean 75% of Republicans approve background checks. So this is not like a This is not like a Republican versus democratic issue. This is not like the majority of people in our country support background checks for things very much like this like to prevent domestic violence when somebody is in a mental health crisis. So it’s nuts that they are trying to push this bill through. So I will get off my soapbox. But it really it just bubbled all up for me because this is all connected. Other safe? Shannon M. 30:28 Yeah, then, you know, this week, we’re talking and thank you for sharing. Christine and Shana, thank you for sharing your story, too. Because I know even though we continue to move forward, it’s not always easy. You know, my thing is, you know, it might not be illegal. But that’s not also what you say right now is, if you’re at somebody’s house, like we, I didn’t say he legally has a gun. I said, Call for domestic violence situation. And this is his intent. I’m trying to tell you what his intent is. Right? Christine Gautreaux 31:00 Right. So mad, y’all, I was so mad, I got mad. Right. Shannon M. 31:06 So you know, Shawn, it reminds me and I actually started the practice to asking permission for it, to give it Do you want to know what I think right now? Do you want to know how I feel? Because a lot of times, we don’t actively listen, you know, we listen to respond and release, we listen, because we think we understand because we saw an episode or halfway have, you know, a similar situation. But like you said, every situation is different, you know, so actively listening to that person, making sure that we’re not just inputting how we feel about it. Because how I think that that when I think about how somebody feels in the situation, if they’re being abused, that’s somebody else, putting something on them that they’re not asking for, right? That’s still emotional abuse, you know, you’re not listening, you’re putting something on me that I’m not asking for, you’re you’re intruding on my boundaries in my emotional space when I’m trying to have a safe space. And so now, I feel like I’m in a similar situation, you know, all the spaces that I want to feel safe in, I’m being abused and not listened to. I feel like that just perpetuates the problem. Chanda Curinton 32:12 Absolutely. And, you know, to kind of touch on what Christine was saying, um, you know, the fact that a gun was introduced, you know, in that situation, you know, thank God, I got out of the situation, when I did, and, you know, and I knew it was just, I knew it was time after a certain point, because how can I say this behavior, every situation is different, the behavior can can increase suddenly, or it can increase over a period of time. So you never know what incident is going to cause that major incident. And like I said, there’ll be little things and it’ll be in the little things that I saw was, you know, he would throw things here and there when he would get mad, and, you know, he would throw things at me. But sometimes he would throw things around me, but the whole purpose was to instill that fear, or he would break things around the house. And it’s, it’s funny, you mentioned that because I just, I’ll never forget, this particular night, the, the apartment that we were in, it had an alarm system. And you know, how sometimes that chirping noise, like, like smoke detectors will make like when the battery is dying? Well, that’s what the alarm was doing. And for whatever reason, I kept putting in the code kept putting in the code, and it wouldn’t accept it. So eventually, you know, when you do that, the alarm just starts going crazy. And it got very loud. So when I did that, that made him even more angry, to the point where he actually wound up just ripping the whole unit out of the wall, like you can literally see the wires exposed, he ripped it out and threw it across the apartment. And it wound up hitting like the hood that’s over the stove. And he threw it so hard that he put a dent in it. So again, not not remembering now I’m like 2122 years old at the time. And so just in seeing something like that, of course, I immediately just was like, oh my god, this is not normal, like what’s going on? So my initial response was fear. I knew it wasn’t right. But at the same time, too, I thought, well, this is just one incident. You know, it’s not it’s not really that bad. You know, it’s okay. He didn’t mean to do it. Like I was creating all those excuses. But I said all of that to say that over time, the things that he was doing to be abusive, it got worse, like they kept getting worse and more worse over time. So again, you never No one incident is gonna put them in a space that leads them to you know, grabbing a gun because they can be unpredictable. Like you you really you just don’t know. You really don’t know. Christine Gautreaux 35:14 All right. You’re so right. You’re so right. I am sitting over here thinking about an episode that happened when I was 22 or 23. Like, I want to bring this up because I want your advice on this, like, how women can be smart because I was not smart. Like I was a baby girl. And I was 22 or 23. And I had been dating somebody for about a year. And I realized he was a pathological liar. And I also, but he had a young daughter who I was in the role of mom for a very long convoluted story, loved her knew I needed to get out of the relationship, but it was hard, right? And it was so meek and so timid. For those of y’all that know me now. He would be like, what I really was, I was really kind of shy and me can timid and he was only like my second or third serious boyfriend. And I will never forget this because it was time to leave. Like I was starting to break up. I was. And I want to give resources to our listeners to how to do this. Because y’all this was back in Texas. He was in my first but it wasn’t, I was young. And so I go to break up and I will never forget this because he carried the handgun with him. And he, we were in a fight. And I was usually very, I didn’t stand up or say anything. But he said something about killing himself. He he I can’t even remember y’all. This is memory that is just bubbling up. I apologize, live and on streaming. But it was like one of those moments where stood up for myself for the first time and it worked out. It’s okay, I’m still here, but I probably shouldn’t have done it this way. Because I remember him pulling out the handgun and throwing it on the couch and saying the thought crossed my mind to shoot you and then to shoot myself. Wow. And I didn’t I wasn’t timid in that moment. I was pissed. And those of y’all that No, me, I don’t get mad very often. I was mad. And I went toe to toe and just was not, I was not very kind. But basically what I said is you’re not going to leave your child this way. And I mean, but yes, huge, big deal. And it was a holy shit moment that I was like, I literally, he could have killed me right in that moment. And I’m in I did not see it coming. And then I left. I mean, I got out of there because you know, I was like, oh, gotta go right. And, um, he became a stalker for a couple of months, until like, until really he got a new girl. And I have not thought about that in years, like years about how that was an abusive situation. But I didn’t have the words to label it that way. I didn’t have the experience or knowledge to how to get out of this. Because just like you said, I was raised by two people who weren’t abusive to each other. So like, I was in it before I knew I was in it. Right? And it was like, so how do young girls how do women no matter what the age? How do they get out safely? Cuz I look back at that. And that was just a miracle. I gotta say, but look, man, you Chanda Curinton 38:43 both and you know, just to kind of, I’ll share with you know how I left. But um, again, every situation is different. So if you are someone who was planning to leave, I always tell you know, women or young girls, number one, you want to let somebody know what you’re planning on doing. Number one, let a few people know like, Hey, this is what’s going on. You really don’t have to give details. But hey, I’m leaving. This is what you need to know. So always let somebody know. And based upon the situation, if you if you the day you’re gonna leave or in preparation to leave, you can always call a police officer. I always say that if the police need to be present, get the police involved, point blank period. That’s what they’re there for. And then even after that, even in what I have found myself doing was actually going back and kind of writing down like all the instances where I was in danger and didn’t even you know, know it. If there’s other steps that you need to take as far as like getting a restraining order, or once you leave. You want it you want to make sure that When you leave, and I don’t want to make this sound insensitive, but when you leave, you want to make sure that it’s a definite decision. Because I have found that some women, once they get family members involved, once the police get involved, and they go back, then some people don’t take them very seriously. And you know, they develop this thing in their mind. Well, I mean, she really want to leave, but she really want to do this, you know, she went back the last time, and that’s okay, if that happens, because, again, is that manipulation, again, it’s just to see them if they still have access to you. So they will do things, they will say things, oh, I’ve changed, or I’m getting help. And I’ve done this, and they will lay it on real good to make it seem like they’ve gotten themselves together, when again, it’s just their way of getting back, you know, having access to you. So um, so like I said, I tell you know, young girls, you know, let your parents know, because sometimes to show like their independence, or to show like, Oh, I’ve got this, they won’t even say anything. So again, I just always encourage them to always have that open line of communication. And even parents have that open door policy so that your kids know, they can come to you and have these conversations with you. Because again, if they don’t have you to go to at least recommend that they have another trusted adult that they can talk to whether it’s a counselor, another friend, a sibling, whomever, you know, that’s something that they need to know. Also, again, if it’s if it’s a dangerous situation, which most of the time it is, you get a police officer, get a police officer there, get them involved. And for me when I left, and this was a miracle, when I left, I kind of did it, I wouldn’t say kind of sneaky, but that’s what it was, um, he was originally from Augusta, Georgia. And every so often he would go and visit his parents. And so this particular weekend, he was saying, Hey, I’m going to go see my parents. And I told him, I said, you know, well, I’m not going I have this to do I have that to do. I literally had those things to do. But I’m, like, I emphasize like, I just cannot go, you know, typically, he would have fought me like tooth and nail like, No, you’re going, you know, pack your thing was, let’s go you know, because that’s just how he was. But that particular day, he didn’t fight me about it at all, he didn’t. And that weekend, I got three of my girlfriends, my dad, my dad’s truck, and we literally packed up everything on the weekend. And mind you this whole time, you know, he’s calling me, we’re having conversations. And I’m still, you know, talking to him, you know, like, I’m just going about my daily routine. And, of course, when I left, and he came home, and he saw it wasn’t there, he was pissed beyond, you know, to, you know, for lack of a better word. And he just started sending me all these text messages. I wasn’t communicating with him. But it didn’t stop there. Because we worked together, you know, and it was one of those things where I wound up, you know, getting a transfer to another hospital, but I wouldn’t looking back on it, I wouldn’t recommend, you know, a young woman to do that. But in my mind, I thought that was the best thing for me to do. I didn’t tell my parents, you know, I just I didn’t tell them really what was going on, it was just more so hands moving. And it kind of worked out because at the time, the young lady I moved in with her roommate was leaving. So it kind of just it worked out. And so that’s the way I presented it to my parents, so they were never really like alarmed as to what was going on. So again, I always recommend that you definitely let somebody know your plan. Definitely make sure that if you feel like you know, other people need to be there or if you don’t want to get the police involved, you know, just have somebody there. Don’t feel like it’s something that you have to do on your own because you don’t you do not have to do it on your own. Christine Gautreaux 44:15 Well, you know, we’re always talking about that and about how that’s why women connect in wisdom, right? I love that you called your girlfriends I love that. You know, you got your Ryder dies like we have it if you don’t we need to create them for people because you gotta have that you’re gonna come Oh, Shannon, you’ve been real quiet you okay? Shannon M. 44:43 Yes, yes. Space and holding space for you ladies to talk about all the different instances and the specifics of it, you know, and that’s that’s the biggest thing but we can talk about stuff vaguely. But if we don’t really go into how I did it, this is what happens. It’s easy to move so much more to do. Okay, great conversation, still don’t know what to do, you know. So I never thought about calling the police I had never thought about make sure that you tell somebody what is going on. And as a young girl, with one of my step moms as we went and help somebody move out, and she was gone, you know what I mean, when he came back, I don’t know the details of the situation, but definitely have had different things like that happen and everything that you’re saying makes sense. Christine Gautreaux 45:28 I think that’s the thing. You know, every one of us know somebody, whether we don’t whether we know it or not. Recognize it was ourselves, or whether it’s like, this is an epidemic. And, you know, we’ve talked about, like, the statistics and and our own stories, when you think about healthy relationships, because I know, this is what you do now, right? This is what you do. You help people identify like healthy relationships and things. So what are you like? How do you do that? Like, how do you give women the self esteem or the tools or the where they feel like, I got this, and I can spot this person on Bumble, or Tinder or wherever, because I got one of those radars now. 22, but I got it now. Right? Chanda Curinton 46:20 Absolutely. Um, so again, as a relates to the process that I had to go through, because after all of this happened, it was a really traumatic experience for me. So I had to go through counseling, I really did. Because again, it goes back to the comment of, if you don’t know that you’re in a healthy relationship, and you think that this is normal. And you’re going to carry those behaviors over whether it’s intentional or not, into your next relationships. And, you know, unfortunately, there’s so many platforms out here that young women and women have access to, that they look at those relationships, and think like, this is how it’s supposed to be when it’s absolutely not true, you’re only seeing what’s on TV, you’re not really seeing behind the scenes. And just imagine what’s going on behind the scenes, because you see the things that they show us, you know, on TV, you know, they normalize, you know, being taught to any kind of way, They normalize the drama, They normalize the chaos, and, and it’s crazy, because these young women have no idea that these shows are specifically like targeted and marketed towards them. And because they know, you know that these are things that young women are watching. And so like I said, I hate that these platforms are out there, but that’s why I’m so passionate about it. Because again, our girls need to understand it needs to know that they are worthy, that they are worthy of having these you know, healthy relationships. And when you’re in healthy relationships, you’re gonna have people or whoever you know, your partner is your partner is going to go is going to encourage your partner is also going to be confident within themselves, you know, your partner is always going to put you in a space to push you forward to be the best compliment. You know, they’re going to encourage other other relationships, other healthy relationships, your partner is going to respect, you know, your other your boundaries that you have set in your relationships, you know, so, understand that, again, when young women don’t know how to approach healthy relationships. This is where I advise parents, you know, to have these conversations. And you know, always ask parents, you know, what are some things that you value in relationships that you can share with your with your child, you know, what are some some things that you would tell your younger self, you know, when it as it relates to, you know, dating and just being in relationships, so, parents are always a good place to start, you know, just in asking those questions, as far as you know, how do you how do you see yourself? How do you value yourself and exercise that I do have some of the young girls do is to write down some of the things that they love about themselves, and why they love those things about their sales. And believe it or not, when you when you get those, I guess, I don’t know what to call them. But when those endorphins or whatever, get that going in your mind, believe it or not, it totally changes just the expressions on their face. Like it gets them out of this space of not feeling you know, worthy. So just starting with something simple as that, you know, writing out the things that they love about themselves, or just writing out the things that they feel make a healthy relationship. And again, that’s something that they can do with their parents, and then sometimes too, that’s why I say it’s a fine line. You have to be able to know the difference when somebody is just being, like overly charming, or overly, you know, they’re just overly being, you know, I guess giving you certain compliments there, there’s just that fine. It’s just that fine line. But um, when it comes again, when it comes to being in a healthy relationship, you’re going to, you’re going to know it, it’s going to feel different, you’re going to be confident, you’re going to feel good about yourself, you’ll have a higher, I guess, you know, self esteem. And again, they’re gonna encourage you to be better. And you know, to me, that’s what healthy relationships are all about. It’s about having that great communication, it’s about having that just being okay, to agree and to disagree, just to having that healthy understanding, and that balance because it all they all go together. And it makes a difference. And, again, you know, I always tell my young girls, if you can have the perfect gentlemen, what would it look like? And it’s so funny to just to see, you know, their responses. But, you know, I think that’s definitely a good place to start recognizing, you know, just just healthy relationships, because when you’re in a healthy relationship, you feel good. You feel good about yourself. Christine Gautreaux 51:27 What I hear you saying between the lines, too, is teaching them to listen to listen for intuition. That’s where I, you say, it’s nuanced when you I mean, to me, that’s our gut, right? Like, people, and there’s just something you can’t put your finger that’s your intuition saying, oh, run, like, you know, when I was younger, I’d be like, Oh, just wait and see now l I like run, like, see? For this, like, you know, what does Ariana Grande say thank you next. But, y’all I have so love this conversation. I’m paying attention to time. Shannon M. 52:11 Now, just laughing at what you were saying, like, don’t don’t wait and see run. Christine Gautreaux 52:16 Right? Yeah. Chanda Curinton 52:18 Right. Right. And, you know, even just, what I’ve learned, too, is even when being in a healthy relationship, you know, it just builds that trust between each other. Not only that, it just puts you in a space to have a better respect for yourself. And one thing that’s really important to me is somebody who can be accountable, be accountable for when you said things, and when you’ve done things, just to be able to say, You know what, I was wrong, and I’m sorry. And you’d be surprised how hard that is for some people to even admit when they’re wrong, you know? And, again, you know, I think the bit like I said, that’s the big thing for me is that accountability, and that trust, and that honesty, and I’m not saying perfection, I’ve never said perfection. But again, like once you’ve had a taste of a relationship, that’s just incredible. You’re not gonna want anything else, you know. And once you realize that’s what you deserve, you’re not gonna want or settle for anything else for the sake of just having somebody you know what I mean? You’re not gonna want to, Christine Gautreaux 53:28 I love it. We’re gonna put your contact information in our show notes, so listeners can follow you on Instagram. I love following your Instagram because you do some great advice. You do really? You do short snippets to like you recently posted that was the one recently that I was like, Oh, yes, ma’am. You said I can take a joke. I can’t take disrespect disguised as a joke. There is a difference. Yes, yes. pearls of wisdom you just drop like y’all every go follow. Good. Shannon M. 54:06 Yes, true. That do like that. That’s true, whether it’s friends or relationship or not. I think there’s that that blurry line sometimes. And it’s not the blurry let’s be clear. Christine Gautreaux 54:18 Still be careful. Oh, my goodness, I hate to wrap this up. This has been so good. But yo, let’s talk about our wisdom and action. So every week we do a hashtag about our wisdom and action. If we had to take this conversation today. We’ll take this conversation and hashtag it. What would our wisdom and action be Shannon M. 54:44 say I think and I was thinking about it as we were wrapping up. I think mine is gonna be hashtag reaching out. You know, you talked about your friend that reached out and I actually have known somebody that was murdered by their partner, which is crazy. So I’m actually Gotta specifically reach out. Jimmy Carter poppin I’m gonna reach out to you guys and Christine Gautreaux 55:11 I love that. Jojo before we go the voice the fourth voice y’all heard today we know and adore who is raised to be healthy in relationships and to respect and love folks, and I’m so glad he could join us today. Yeah, Shannon, I think connection is gonna be you know, we were talking before the show I had that I haven’t talked to in about three years endemic and life and things like this and out of the blue today, I get this text that says, hey, Christine, checking in on my strong friends and family. It’s been unsettling seeing all the people leaving this earth by choice lately. You know, what people are really going through. So no one told you today that they love you. I do. We need each other to survive. There is if there’s anything I can do, please let me know. Love you, my friend moon. And, uh, you know, I took it made it my own and started sending it to people because my hashtag was so what about you, John? Chanda Curinton 56:31 Um, just, like I said, to kind of piggyback off you guys, I would say I have a couple. So we’re gonna we’re gonna stick with the one I would say, just more so self love, and loving yourself. Enough, because when you love yourself, love others. And then with it being like she said, the month of February. Oh, just loving yourself and makes it easier for you to love others, and relationships and friendships too. Christine Gautreaux 57:08 Thank you so much for having come in and having this conversation with us. Chanda Curinton 57:12 Yeah, for having me. And well, I should say. Christine Gautreaux 57:16 Grateful to know you. so appreciative of the work that you do in this world. It is so needed. Thank you. Yes, Chanda Curinton 57:27 thank you. Thank you so much. And you ladies are awesome. You are so great. And I follow all of y’all you know, just to keep up with what’s going on. So it’s always good to just reconnect and talk to you guys. Christine Gautreaux 57:42 We feel the same way. Don’t be a stranger. Keep us posted on your awesome words. And we will talk to you soon. Absolutely. That was a big conversation. Shannon M. 57:55 It’s good though. I like it. You know what she was talking about? Listen first. That’s the first thing and then ask permission to give advice. That’s really good. Make sure you tell people if you’re going to leave and calling for reinforcements if you need it. Absolutely. Christine Gautreaux 58:10 And being supportive and not like not putting deadlines on other people’s like relationships of when they get out or not like being available as a friend and a resource. I also went ahead and put the National Domestic Violence Hotline in our in our show notes for people because it’s a big old conversation y’all. This is big. So I know it is about time for us to jump off. And we said we were going to stop and do it in the middle. But please tell me real quick what’s going on over at Shiloh glow. So our listeners know Shannon M. 58:48 My goodness so much. So if you have severely dry skin, uneven skin scars, burns cuts by all of those things. Shayla glows for you. We have both a travel Glow Kit and a home Glow Kit. The travel Glow Kit passes easily through TSA and we’re actually sold out right now. So they’ve been grabbing it up. We also have the home bow kit, those are going to have the bigger sizes for you if you know you need more and more to share. But I’m so excited. Tomorrow is the SCAD midterm for my students that I’ve been working with. And Christine you know I love working with the students and so it’s been such a joy to work with all of the students in the different classes and see the amazing stuff that they’re creating. Like I cannot really Christine Gautreaux 59:33 wait and talk about that at the top of the show. This is going to be a gym for the folks who listened to all the way to the end. But if you are not following Shannon on her Instagram, you need to go check it out because your photoshoot with those SCAD students and your products was just stunning. My friend like that was so Rockstar. Awesome. Shannon M. 59:56 Thank you. Yeah, so excited. So we’re halfway way through the process. And I mean, the initial process. Let’s say that because I feel like it’s gonna go much further as the second year of the business. So this is just the beginning and I can’t look, you know, I can’t wait to see how everything turns out. Christine Gautreaux 1:00:14 I love it. Well, I have a big event coming up with Sheila, my co author, we are in our friend Marla Durden. We are doing another secrets of inner play for helping professionals. So I’m going to put that in the show notes if folks want to reach out and figure out how to get involved if you’re a helping professional. If you are a caretaker if you I mean, I think artists and activists, I think we do so much of this work. Almost every woman I know is a caretaker, but we are doing this interplay for self in community care and also see user available. So we’ll put all that in the show notes because I know we’re out of time. I am so grateful for you, my friend and these conversations. Who this one blew me away today. Like it was that’s the wrong terminology. It scratched that out of my vocabulary. Think about it. Oh, this one took me off guard today. So thank you, my friend. I adore you and I look forward to our conversation next week. Oh, let me pull up our banner. Look, I am so discombobulated. I don’t even know how we’re doing the show. How do we in the show my friend Shannon M. 1:01:18 together okay, we are women connected in wisdom. And Okay, ladies, thank you so much for tuning into our 53rd episode. We will be back next Wednesday Live at Five. In the meantime, you will be wise the whole we’ll see you next week. Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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